Never Meant to Be
by J the Drafter
Summary: Peter and Kitty have that phone conversation at the beginning of the Clone Saga. And neither of them are pleased at their dialogue. Parody. Written to amuse, and to highlight how much the beginning Peter and Kitty interaction in the Clone Saga sucked.


Disclaimer: All the characters herein are the property of Marvel and Bendis. I'm just using them to have fun and demonstrate what, exactly, was wrong with the first scene in the Ultimate Clone Saga. Credit for some of the insights herein goes to the members of more comic book forums than I can count. (Reading through some online conversations bolstered my knowledge of this story and the comic in general.) Check below the story for more detail aboutwhich insights I found online. Thanks for reading.

Ultimate Clone Saga Parody

Kitty: So now you're hanging out with this _MJ_ again?

Peter: I'm not—what? That's not what I said—I'm not "hanging out" with her. We go to school together.

Kitty: what did you say, then?

Peter: How should I know? We started this scene in the middle of the conversation.

Kitty: Then it's a good thing our next few lines fill in the background. (Ahem) You just _said_ she helped you deal with all this Morbius vampire stuff. You said you—

Peter: She was there. Yes, she saw I was upset, I was creeped out, and she talked me down. We _are_ friends here, Kitty. We've been friends since forever. She knows a lot of stuff about me. Including, you know… Now will you please say something that is actually in character, as opposed to acting like you've been replaced by a melodramatic soap opera clone?

Kitty: Sorry Peter. The third Spiderman movie is coming out and the comics need to match what people see in theaters, no matter how contrived the process taken to get there is. I'm going to continue to act like a catty snot-nosed brat and say something that would never come to my mouth under normal circumstances okay? Well, that's just great.

Peter: Is this because I didn't call _you_? I called you. You were out being an X-Man person.

Kitty: Well, great then!

Peter: What did I do wrong here, exactly?

Kitty: _I don't know._

Peter: If only your real comment was as rational.

Kitty: You don't see how that _kills me_ inside?

Peter: _What?_

Kitty: The word's right, but I don't think you're supposed to sound histrionic when you say that line.

Peter: Of course that line is histrionic. It came right after yours.

Kitty: _I _should be the one you come to. _I'm_ your girlfriend. I should be the one!

Peter: What about the Silver Sable arc? I called you then, and you gave me some solid advice. In other, less thorough (and inconvenient) words: You are.

Kitty: That's just one of the little things you need to ignore to appreciate this scene. The dialogue as a whole still works. Continuing: Well, hello! I'm not. She is. By the way, do you like seeing my true colors?

Peter: I actually threw up a little. How would you even know something like that, anyway? I just go around telling you all the times I talked to MJ instead of you? Besides, one the subplots of the recent arcs has been the fact that _Mary Jane and I are on the outs_ _with one another! _Even accounting for the fact that we recently had some friendly interaction, Mary Jane and I haven't had nearly enough time to become confidants in the span of time you and I have been seeing one another.

Kitty: Another thing that needs ignoring. But don't worry, the scene as a whole still works.

Peter: Hold that thought.

(_Calls the Professor_) Peter: Hello? Professor Xavier, one of your students has been replaced with a skrull shapeshifter…

(_To Kitty_) Peter: Now: I'm not the only person in the world _you_ talk to. You have all your friends in the X-Men.

Kitty: Please. Most of the focus on my character has been about my love triangle with Bobby and Rogue. Mostly I just stand off to the side while the more popular characters cover their subplots. I'm not important enough to merit the fleshing out required for a friendship scene. And we discussed our _mutual_ problems with friendships on our first date, so you already know that I don't, in point of fact, have friends in the X-Men.

Peter: True, but I'm too worked up right now to remember that.

Kitty: Fair enough, but I'm reminding you so it doesn't "accidentally" look like a valid difference between us. Because it would really be a shame if an "accident" muddied an understanding of what's happening. You know, by "accident." Because, you know, "accidents" happen.

Peter: Ready to continue?

Kitty (sigh): Continuing. Yes but—

Peter: I have no friends. Zero friends. And I have no one who knows about, you know, my other life but you and her. (And half the super villains in the tri-state area.)

Kitty: It's different.

Peter: How is it different?

Kitty: _You're in love with her!_

Peter: When and how have we even _talked_ about Mary Jane? The only things we've done together are fight crime, hang out together and smooch.

Kitty: The conversation could have taken place "off-screen." In theory. Technically. It's statistically possible. There's no reason it couldn't happen. It's perfectly logical that the audience didn't get to see such a huge facet of our relationship, especially when you consider all the work needed to develop that complication.

Peter: You're right. Having an off-panel conversation about Mary Jane where you realized I love her is much easier to create than doing all the work needed to let the audience see our dialogue.

Kitty: It's quick, easy development that doesn't need any precision or thought spent on creating it. It gets you and MJ back together in time for the upcoming movie with a minimum of fuss and it satisfies that part of the fanbase that enjoyed you and Mary Jane going out, and that doesn't care that my characterization has been gutted to justify our upcoming break-up. (Those who do care are powerless beneath the awesome might of mass movie marketing.)

Peter: Movie marketing is strong.

Kitty (whisper): You have yet to see movie marketing's true might.

Peter: ...

Kitty: Oh my God! You didn't break up with her because you _hate_ her, you broke up with her to keep her from getting hurt!

(BAM!)

Peter (wailing in pain): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Kitty: Peter?

Peter: ...

Kitty: Peter, are you all right?

Peter (_Through gritted teeth_): Do you have any idea how painful it is to facevault to the floor when you have spider-strength? I went through the kitchen table on the way down, too.

Kitty: ...

Peter: And that's nothing compared to the damage your comment did to my psyche. I told you why I broke up with MJ in the annual that got us together! The whole point of the issue was me finding a girlfriend that I didn't need to worry over. I told you why I dumped MJ in the issue that paired us up. You knew why I dumped her from the frickin' get-go, so why is this such a huge surprise to you now? "Oh my God!" something all right. The sheer illogic of your statement tore my mind apart. And don't forget, I'm still recovering from watching Rogue out-jump me- me!- through "Danger Room training."

Kitty (_serenely_): That moment passed. It's gone now. Find your center. May you know peace.

Peter (_breathes heavily_): Thanks. It's a little nitpick, I thought I'd locked it away for good, it ambushed me in the wake of everything happening now. Our conversation...that final piece of dialogue... Does that line have any right to exist, even?

Kitty: It artistically... actually, I have no idea. Really, I... oh ow, aaaaaaah-

Peter: Kitty?

Kitty (_panting_): I'm fine. It's just...thinking about the logic of what I said in the conversation is almost as destructive to my sanity as staring at Cthulhu. The last line is just yet another thing that you need to ignore if you want to pretend that this makes sense. If you (are stoned, wasted, high, or just didn't catch the back issues) can manage that, then this scene works perfectly to explain why Mary Jane is the only person you should ever end up with in any version of your series, no matter how different the continuum is intended to be from the mainstream.

(_BOOM!_) X-Men Team: **SURRENDER, SKRULL IMPOSTER!**

(The X-Men pose in the doorway to Kitty's bedroom, with Bobby, Wolverine, and Charles Xavier in front and the rest of the X-Men just behind them.)

Professor X (_coldly_): The X-Men don't take kindly to spies, tresspasser. You have no right to invade our home.

Wolverine (menacingly): I'm not as nice or as forgiving as Chuck. I don't care how tough you are, I'm gonna make your existence hell.

(_Snikt_)

Bobby (starts to speak, but the panel suddenly shifts back to Wolverine before he can say anything.): ...

Wolverine: Your mistake, bub, was getting on my bad side.

Professor X: Take her down!

(The panel flickers to Bobby again, but it flickers to Kitty before Bobby can say anything.)

Bobby (_snarling as he's cut off_)!

(_Attacks start flying_) Kitty: Wait, guys, it's me!

(The professor snorts, Wolverine rolls his eyes, and Jean shivers and shrinks away from Kitty.)

Jean: So...far...out of character...

(Jean passes out.)

(Scott runs to Jean. He picks her up and looks at her worriedly.): Jean? Jean?

(Scott glares frostily at Kitty.)

Kitty: Ah, crud!

(Scott's eyes glow fiercely.)

(_Viewed from outside the mansion:_)

Kitty: Aaaaargh!

(Sharp red light shines from the windows. It's a shame that's it's not dark out, because that would have made a really badass image.)

Thanks for reading. For anyone who was wondering, Bendis has completely ignored Bobby every time he's written him. One or two scenes and no dialogue are the most Iceman's got whenever he's been featured. Credit for that obseration rightly goes to forums such as UltimateCentral as I had not noticed anything. To be fair to Bendis, he was apparently saving Bobby up for Ultimate Amazing Friends, which at least explains his logic, even if it doesn't excuse it.

Also, both the fact that Peter and MJ were being put back together for thenew Spider-Man movie and the fact that the editors tried to explain the gaffe with Rogue's flight are to pieces of detail I've picked up on various comic book forums.

Finally, Peter's line about everyone knowing his secret identity is actually from the comic book proper; I never took any steps to ensure that was clear and I apologize.


End file.
